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Funny Marriage Quotes - Funny Quotes about Marriage Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
More funny Mae West quotes
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A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
More funny Helen Rowland quotes
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I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
More funny Anonymous quotes
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My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.
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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
More funny George Carlin quotes
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I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
More funny Zsa Zsa Gabor quotes
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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.
More funny H. L. Mencken quotes
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I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up.
More funny Barbara Bush quotes
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Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
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Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
More funny Jean Kerr quotes
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
More funny Rita Rudner quotes
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
More funny Rita Rudner quotes
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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
More funny Benjamin Franklin quotes
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
More funny Sacha Guitry quotes
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An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
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By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
More funny Socrates quotes
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
More funny Johnny Carson quotes
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
More funny Anonymous quotes
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
More funny Rita Rudner quotes
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My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
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In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
More funny Helen Rowland quotes
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
More funny Carrie Snow quotes
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The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
More funny Anonymous quotes
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Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
More funny Mickey Rooney quotes
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Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
More funny Woody Allen quotes
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
More funny Rodney Dangerfield quotes
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
More funny Rodney Dangerfield quotes
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Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!
More funny Kathy Lette quotes
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Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
More funny Kathy Lette quotes
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Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
More funny Bob Hope quotes
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
More funny George Burns quotes
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
More funny George Burns quotes
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
More funny Milton Berle quotes
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A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
More funny Ralph Waldo Emerson quotes
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Saw a wedding in the church. It was strange to see what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition, every man and wife gazing and smiling at them.
More funny Samuel Pepys quotes
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If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.
More funny Simone Signoret quotes
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If I get married, I want to be very married.
More funny Audrey Hepburn quotes
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Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community.
More funny Brigham Young quotes
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
More funny Henny Youngman quotes
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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes
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She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes
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In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
More funny Joey Adams quotes
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A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
More funny Joey Adams quotes
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Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
More funny Joey Adams quotes
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The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock."
More funny William Rehnquist quotes
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Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
More funny Jim Backus quotes
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When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job.
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
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My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
More funny Roseanne Barr quotes
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Cherie has many excellent qualities, but once she goes to sleep, it takes a minor nuclear explosion to wake her up.
More funny Tony Blair quotes
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Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it.
More funny Heather Locklear quotes
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For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.
More funny Catherine Zeta-Jones quotes
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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
More funny Elayne Boosler quotes
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A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late. -- (The Joker is Wild, 1957)
More funny Frank Sinatra quotes
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Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life.
More funny David Niven quotes
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It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married.
More funny C. Northcote Parkinson quotes
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
More funny George Burns quotes
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There once was an old man of Lyme
who married three wives at a time
when asked, 'Why a third?'
he replied 'One's absurd!
and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'
More funny William Cosmo Monkhouse quotes
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One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.
More funny Bernard Malamud quotes
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I'm a serial bigamist.
More funny Russ Meyer quotes
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If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.
More funny Marty Allen quotes
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Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with.
More funny Patricia Arquette quotes
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I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
More funny Marie Corelli quotes
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Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.
More funny William Shakespeare quotes
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Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
More funny Alan King quotes
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I don't know if it's good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto! (on the marriage of Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe)
More funny Yogi Berra quotes
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The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.
More funny Cher quotes
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You have no idea of the women I didn't marry.
More funny Artie Shaw quotes
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They weren't really weddings, just long costume parties. (on three of her weddings)
More funny Peggy Lee quotes
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The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
More funny Anne Bancroft quotes
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I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it.
More funny Walter Matthau quotes
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Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen, and I was three.
More funny Billie Holiday quotes
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Everyone knows that a man can always marry even if he reaches 102, is penniless, and has all his faculties gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him.
More funny Amy Vanderbilt quotes
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If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.
More funny Estelle Getty quotes
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I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband.
More funny Rosanna Arquette quotes
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There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded.
More funny Diana Princess of Wales quotes
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The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted.
More funny Kin Hubbard quotes
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I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
More funny Bob Monkhouse quotes
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Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
More funny Bob Monkhous quotes
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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
More funny Woody Allen quotes
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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
More funny Woody Allen quotes
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
More funny Woody Allen quotes
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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
More funny Jack Benny quotes
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One man's folly is another man's wife.
More funny Helen Rowland quotes
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There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
More funny Helen Rowland quotes
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Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
More funny Helen Rowland quotes
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Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
More funny Helen Rowland quotes
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He was happily married - but his wife wasn't
More funny Victor Borge quotes
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An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.
More funny Bette Davis quotes
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Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
More funny Bette Davis quotes
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A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time.
More funny Jean Rostand quotes
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Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.
More funny Dr. Joyce Brothers quotes
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Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
More funny Irwin Corey quotes
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