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Born: 1908-07-12
Died: 2002-03-27
Milton Berle Biography
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
[ Funny Jewish Quotes] ***
He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
[ Funny Old People Quotes] [ Funny Old Age Quotes] ***
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
[ Funny Computer Quotes] ***
Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!
[ Funny Motivation Quotes] ***
I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
[ Funny Steroid Quotes] ***
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
[ Funny Money Quotes] [ Funny Future Quotes] ***
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
[ Funny Political Quotes] ***
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
[ Funny Political Quotes] ***
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
[ Funny Health Quotes] ***
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? (at a function for Sports Broadcaster Howard Cosell)
[ Funny Insults Quotes] ***
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
[ Funny Political Quotes] [ Funny Government Quotes] ***
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] [ Funny Sex Quotes] ***
What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
[ Funny Humor Quotes] ***
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
[ Funny Tax Quotes] ***
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
[ Funny Mother Quotes] ***
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
[ Funny Opportunity Quotes] ***
Laughter is an instant vacation.
[ Funny Laughter Quotes] ***
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
[ Funny Poverty Quotes] ***
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
[ Funny Retirement Quotes] ***
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Find more Milton Berle quotes and other famous quotes at Basic Quotations.
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