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Born: 1835-11-30
Died: 1910-04-21
Mark Twain Biography
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
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Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
[ Funny Music Quotes] ***
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
[ Funny Fighting Quotes] ***
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
[ Funny Truth Quotes] ***
When angry count four; when very angry, swear.
[ Funny Anger Quotes] ***
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
[ Funny Honesty Quotes] [ Funny Integrity Quotes] ***
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
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We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency.
[ Funny Music Quotes] ***
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
[ Funny Bible Quotes] ***
When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
[ Funny Compliment Quotes] ***
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
[ Funny Truth Quotes] [ Funny Fact Quotes] ***
When in doubt, tell the truth.
[ Funny Truth Quotes] ***
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
[ Funny Health Quotes] ***
The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
[ Funny Writing Quotes] ***
I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
[ Funny Past Quotes] ***
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.
[ Funny Dog Quotes] ***
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
[ Funny Children Quotes] [ Funny Idiot Quotes] ***
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
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I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.
[ Funny Music Quotes] ***
Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
[ Funny Success Quotes] [ Funny Fool Quotes] ***
July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.
[ Funny Fool Quotes] ***
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
[ Funny Congress Quotes] ***
Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
[ Funny Money Quotes] [ Funny Honesty Quotes] ***
Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
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Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.
[ Funny Smoking Quotes] ***
The report of my death was an exaggeration. (New York Journal, June 1897)
[ Funny Death Quotes] ***
Buy land. They've stopped making it.
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Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
[ Funny Sanity Quotes] ***
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
[ Funny German Quotes] ***
Man - a figment of God's imagination.
[ Funny God Quotes] [ Funny Mankind Quotes] ***
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
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Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again. (talking about Henry James)
[ Funny Book Quotes] ***
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
[ Funny Bank Quotes] ***
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
[ Funny Golf Quotes] ***
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
[ Funny Old Age Quotes] ***
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
[ Funny Old Age Quotes] ***
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
[ Funny Life Quotes] ***
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.
[ Funny Lying Quotes] [ Funny Truth Quotes] ***
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
[ Funny School Quotes] [ Funny God Quotes] [ Funny Idiot Quotes] ***
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
[ Funny Drinking Quotes] ***
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
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There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
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I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
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Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
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Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
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It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
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Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
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