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Born: 1890-10-02
Died: 1977-08-19
Groucho Marx Biography
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
[ Funny Book Quotes] ***
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
[ Funny Military Quotes] ***
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
[ Funny Time Quotes] ***
Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
[ Funny Book Quotes] ***
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
[ Funny Television Quotes] ***
Africa is God's country, and He can have it. (Animal Crackers)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on. (Animal Crackers)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. (Animal Crackers)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
One morning, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I don't know. (Animal Crackers)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks. (Animal Crackers)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. (Monkey Business)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? (Monkey Business)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? (Horse Feathers)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team. (Horse Feathers)
[ Funny Sports Quotes] [ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice. (Horse Feathers)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived. (Horse Feathers)
[ Funny Children Quotes] [ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. (Horse Feathers)
[ Funny Children Quotes] [ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Clear? Huh! Why a 4-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a 4-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it. (Duck Soup)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you. (Duck Soup)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Say! You cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. (Duck Soup)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. (Duck Soup)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle. (Duck Soup)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon. (Duck Soup)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. (Duck Soup)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay. (Night at the Opera)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie. (Night at the Opera)
[ Funny Music Quotes] [ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
No, no, I'd rather not. I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling. (At the Circus)
[ Funny Lawyer Quotes] [ Funny Movie Quotes] [ Funny Bug Quotes] ***
I'd have thrashed him to within an inch of his life, but I didn't have a tape measure. (Go West)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself. (A Night in Casablanca)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead. (Double Dynamite)
[ Funny Women Quotes] [ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
There were three things that Chico was always on—a phone, a horse, or a broad.
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Humor is reason gone mad.
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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
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Find more Groucho Marx quotes and other famous quotes at Basic Quotations.
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