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Born: 1935-12-01
Died: 0000-00-00
Woody Allen Biography
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
[ Funny Death Quotes] ***
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
[ Funny Softball Quotes] ***
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
[ Funny Jesus Quotes] ***
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
[ Funny Philosophy Quotes] ***
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
[ Funny Philosophy Quotes] ***
I am an only child. I have one sister.
[ Funny Family Quotes] ***
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
[ Funny Death Quotes] ***
There are worst things than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean. (Love and death, 1975)
[ Funny Death Quotes] [ Funny Insurance Quotes] ***
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. (Clown Prince of American Humor, 1975)
[ Funny College Quotes] [ Funny Philosophy Quotes] ***
When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile. (at the 2002 Oscars)
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
[ Funny Television Quotes] ***
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
[ Funny Parent Quotes] ***
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
[ Funny God Quotes] [ Funny Planning Quotes] ***
How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
[ Funny God Quotes] ***
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
[ Funny Tree Quotes] ***
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
[ Funny Success Quotes] ***
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
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I am at two with nature.
[ Funny Nature Quotes] ***
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
[ Funny Music Quotes] ***
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
[ Funny God Quotes] [ Funny Atheist Quotes] ***
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
[ Funny God Quotes] ***
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
[ Funny Death Quotes] ***
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
[ Funny Life Quotes] ***
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
[ Funny Life Quotes] ***
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
[ Funny Money Quotes] ***
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
[ Funny Fun Quotes] ***
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
[ Funny God Quotes] [ Funny Atheist Quotes] ***
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
[ Funny Death Quotes] ***
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
[ Funny Criminal Quotes] ***
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
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Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
[ Funny Atheist Quotes] ***
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
[ Funny Time Quotes] ***
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
[ Funny Old Age Quotes] ***
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
[ Funny Laughter Quotes] ***
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
[ Funny Government Quotes] ***
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
[ Funny Atheist Quotes] ***
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
[ Funny Chess Quotes] ***
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
[ Funny Education Quotes] ***
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
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I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
[ Funny Food Quotes] ***
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
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If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
[ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
[ Funny Life Quotes] ***
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
[ Funny Food Quotes] ***
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
[ Funny Talent Quotes] ***
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
[ Funny Time Quotes] ***
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
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Find more Woody Allen quotes and other famous quotes at Basic Quotations.
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