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Born: 1880-01-29
Died: 1946-12-25
W. C. Fields Biography
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
[ Funny Argument Quotes] ***
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
[ Funny Christmas Quotes] [ Funny Santa Quotes] ***
Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
[ Funny Food Quotes] ***
I like children. Properly cooked.
[ Funny Children Quotes] ***
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
[ Funny Drinking Quotes] ***
Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one. (Mississippi, 1935)
[ Funny Women Quotes] [ Funny Movie Quotes] ***
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
[ Funny Laziness Quotes] ***
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
[ Funny Midget Quotes] ***
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
[ Funny Belief Quotes] [ Funny Drinking Quotes] ***
After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.
[ Funny Medical Quotes] [ Funny Nursing Quotes] ***
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
[ Funny Drinking Quotes] ***
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
[ Funny Prejudice Quotes] ***
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
[ Funny Travel Quotes] ***
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
[ Funny Children Quotes] ***
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
[ Funny Persistence Quotes] ***
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
[ Funny Lawyer Quotes] ***
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
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Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
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Find more W. C. Fields quotes and other famous quotes at Basic Quotations.
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