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Born: 1906-03-16
Died: 1998-02-24
Henny Youngman Biography
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
[ Funny Atheist Quotes] ***
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
[ Funny Doctor Quotes] ***
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
[ Funny Drinking Quotes] ***
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
[ Funny Drinking Quotes] ***
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
[ Funny Money Quotes] ***
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] [ Funny Shopping Quotes] ***
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
[ Funny Beauty Quotes] ***
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!"
"I AM 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"
[ Funny Doctor Quotes] ***
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
[ Funny Doctor Quotes] ***
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!"
The man says "How does a man get pregnant?"
The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
[ Funny Doctor Quotes] ***
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"
[ Funny Doctor Quotes] ***
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
[ Funny Drinking Quotes] ***
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
[ Funny Golf Quotes] ***
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked "When's payday?"
He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
[ Funny Work Quotes] ***
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"
[ Funny Food Quotes] ***
A bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week."
I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
[ Funny Food Quotes] ***
My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
[ Funny Hotel Quotes] ***
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
[ Funny Marriage Quotes] ***
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
[ Funny Jewish Quotes] [ Funny Divorce Quotes] ***
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
[ Funny Jewish Quotes] ***
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours.
I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?"
He said, "because I was going up!"
[ Funny Polish Quotes] ***
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
[ Funny Polish Quotes] ***
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
[ Funny Mother-in-Law Quotes] ***
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
[ Funny Work Quotes] ***
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Find more Henny Youngman quotes and other famous quotes at Basic Quotations.
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